Happy Hour

yesterday marked 20 months without a drop of Vino. the day was like any other saturday...no hangover, early wake-up call from kiddos, a few errands. Esposo and i had a wedding in the afternoon which was not typical. it was his work colleagues and i used to party with the bride. there was no sparkling water so settled for a coke. why do bartenders insist on pouring water or soda in gigantic cups? i asked for cocktail cup and poured my coke at the bar. we snuck out after an hour and i lost the heels and ran into the theatre to catch a mindless flick (horrible bosses) before we had to get home for sitter.

i was struck by a few things over the course of the day. in the morning, i thought about getting a glass of wine at the wedding. called a couple of friends and told them about this fleeting thought.  i waited until 20 minutes before we had to leave to get dressed so i wouldn't have time to think about the "getting ready" glass of wine i wouldn't be consuming. thought about how i'd waste my relapse at a lame wedding rather than my fabulous slip at a beach with friends.

on thursday, i was asked to share my story at a women's meeting tonight. i despise speaking in public and don't like speaking in meetings so this is daunting. incredibly daunting. on way to wedding, i told my husband if i drank at the wedding then i wouldn't have to speak tonight. he replied that i'd still have to speak, i'd just have something different to say. yep, that's true.

i'm writing this rather than my notes for tonight but of course i've been thinking about what i will say. something that always got me into trouble was happy hour. that's because i never had just one.  i mean, i could and would but that was never my desire or choice. it hit me what happy hour means to me now. happy hour usually went into the night or when i was single and living in nyc it could mean the wee hours of the morning.

today happy hour means the hour i spent in bed  friday morning with Sugar and Fella snuggled up next to me. Fella turning alarm clock on and off as we listened to snippets of npr's coverage of shuttle launch, playing "what's your favorite XXX?" so i could keep their warm, naked bodies as close to me for as long as possible. i've held that morning close to my heart the past couple of days because it defines what i am doing now.

i don't want this not drinking thing to define me. it's a part of who i am and it is something i don't do anymore. like wearing a strapless dress. by the way, why do women with an unfortunate fat back or an enormous rack rock strapless dresses at crowded functions? this was so prevalent at yesterday's wedding and i am baffled by how consistently women choose the exactly wrong style of clothing for their body type. clearly, i haven't mastered the tolerant part of sobriety yet. back to happy hour...

i was a party girl, the girl who could keep up and hang with the boys (never mind that i am barely 5'2" and 110 lbs), the girl up for anything, the girl who could function on a little sleep and a lot of hangover, the girl who could manage her kiddo's days, a household of four, cook a great meal and then head out to meet the girls because i fucking earned those glasses of wine. i see now how much my obsession and compulsion to end my day with a drink or a bottle defined so much of what i did...like what i cooked so we could have people over or what i didn't cook because i was meeting friends out or had a sitter so Esposo and i could go out.

so here i am at 20 months. i haven't had a spiritual awakening in sobriety but in all honesty, i am not seeking one. today, i strive to be in and to hold on to the infinite happy hours with my family, my friends, my babies. to not waste time having deep, meaningful wine-soaked convos but to have honest, hilarious and sincere ones. to not let my noisy head keep me distracted obsessing about the drink at the end of the day but to keep my mind on today and my kiddos with all their noise, beauty, misbehavin', giggles and our struggles. i still get out and take time for myself at the end of most days, but today i know what time i'll be home and i'll remember going to bed.

at 20 months, i will share my story at a meeting.  i won't enjoy it but i will survive it. it's these small shifts in my thinking that i am grateful for today. i believe it's me settling into sobriety as a part of who i am. just a part, not the whole. another piece of this sober deal that i do embrace is lowering my expectations. as most of us know, we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. in my 20s and 30s, i was adamant that i would never settle -- not for a city, not for a job and definitely not for a man -- and i didn't. today, settling fits.