Peculiar Mental Twist

when i first got sober, i would cringe every time someone would say that because alcoholism is a disease it is the same as being a diabetic. that alcohol is to me what sugar is to a diabetic. that comparison annoyed the hell out of me. still does. but this disease thing...either you buy it or you don't.

i experienced first hand that it is a progressive disease. dabbled in quitting drinking four years before i stopped. i knew in the deepest part of my gut that my drinking was not normal but i was not a daily drinker, never had a dui and i was functioning rather well in all aspects. even got knocked up again and didn't drink during those nine months. but the minute Sugar was weaned at six months, my reward at the end of the day became pretty much a daily thing. knowing it would be there to ease my anxiety and provide a reprieve from those tedious, trying days with two little ones was great. being able to go out with the girls and be "me" again enjoying a nice bottle or three of red at a dark, cozy bar rather than the "me" changing diapers and endlessly feeding my little ones. still no dui, but i did quit drinking.

i go to AA and it has helped me get and stay sober. i still cringe at a lot (all) of the cheese-ass sayings (notice the italics from here on) and the male-focused blue book that reminds me of the bible. last fall, when i got my one year token i shared that i was raised by an atheist and feminist mother so it's been challenging, to say the least, to swallow the seemingly sexist and religious text. what "got" me and keeps me coming back is that i cannot dispute the fact that my baseline is irritable, restless and discontented.

i remember reading that for the first time and feeling an intense sense of relief (oh, that's what it is) and dread (oh, fuck that means i  am an alcoholic).  my brain chemistry is lacking in certain areas and Vino brought me up to feeling normal. that i drank because it worked....until it stopped working. this is what is called the peculiar mental twist - "the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insane trivial excuse for taking the first drink." from the big book of alcoholics anonymous.

i have to say that it was still mostly "working" even when i put the plug in the jug. eight out of ten times i drank everything was cool, but those other two times something embarrassing or demoralizing could and probably did happen. and in my delusional mind, the reasons for taking a drink were never trivial.

it is disappointing to me that there is a stigma and stereotype associated with being an alcoholic. what is infuriating to me is that it is not broadly accepted that alcoholism is a disease and therefore must be treated just like an addiction to heroin or meth. that it is a disease of perception.  it is my hope for my kids that one day all of the medical field, not just those focused on addiction, will understand this. that they will grow up in a society that understands it is a genetic disease. it is my hope that one day soon it will be broadly understood that the boozehound brain is wired differently.

it is because of this funky wiring that the delusional thinking happens when we are in the middle of the mess. just because i blacked out the last time i drank and don't remember a thing, i still made it home alright and nobody was hurt - it was the circumstances or the type of booze. no, my body is not metabolizing alcohol correctly and my brain is telling me it's okay to drink again because "this time it will be different."

i can't help thinking about a guy that went to the same outpatient treatment program. his first day was my last. he lives around the corner and has a little boy around two that goes to my kid's preschool. he also has a deadly liver condition and will die if he continues to drink. the last time i saw him he was at a meeting and he was completely loaded. he has the disease of alcoholism. nobody with an ounce of sense or compassion can tell me he is not delusional. that this peculiar mental twist is not deadly.

even when i don't relate to many peeps in the rooms or am turned off by seeing the sunlight of the spirit in the big book, what i do relate to and what i have accepted is that 1) this is a disease that 2)  it doesn't matter how successful, strong-willed and determined i am in all areas of my life, and i am all of these, my drinking progressed. it was completely delusional to keep drinking even when i had negative consequences like a wretched hangover, fight with Esposo, getting behind the wheel of a car when i had no business driving.

 i go to meetings to be reminded of the peculiar mental twist that could get me into trouble. the delusional thinking that affects my entire family. sure, i might be physically able to quit drinking, but i would be miserable and distracted so it's just not worth the energy.  i know with every part of my being that this disease is so much about my perception, my emotional disposition, my inability to have one drink without wanting or craving another one.

and if i needed to be reminded of this fact, trying to stop smoking last saturday brought it all back. i only made it six hours before i bought a pack. i wanted to punch someone in the face because i was so edgy or crawl into bed to avoid any triggers (coffee, food, porch, kids screaming, husband annoying). i even wanted a glass of wine more than i have in months. even after i forked out $200, wrote an honest piece here about why i was quitting,  my discomfort and noisy head got the better of me.

in light of all the evidence and self-knowledge, my slave-to-the-nicotine part of my brain conquered the reasonable, strong-willed side. exactly what i struggled with when i couldn't quiet the slave-to-the-Vino side. desperate to hold on to the delusion that i could somehow go back to drinking normally because it "wasn't that bad." what i see now is that it was pretty fucking insane and if i am not brutally honest and continue to be diligent, the peculiar mental twist could destroy everything i hold dear.

 this post is pretty scattered but it's an honest reflection of where i am right now. so as i continue to puff away like a freight train, i will keep trying to stop, just like i did with drinking. one of these days, and i hope soon, it will take.