This Time I Mean It

Dear American Spirits,

you’ve been with me for so many years and it’s really hard for me to do this. i’ve tried to let you go many times over the years but we always seem to get back together. you got along perfectly with all my friends - the ones sitting across the table and the ones that filled my glass. especially with that first cup of coffee on the porch in the morning and after every meal. thank you for being the best passenger in the car. loved being with you with the music cranked all the way up and you gave me just the right lift at the end of a long road trip. you were the ideal accessory to a lengthy phone conversation.

when i broke up with Vino, i depended on you for relief. you became my sole outlet and my release. when the kiddos were throwing tantrums, i knew we’d hook up and you’d help me calm down. when Esposo and i fought, you were always on my side. sure, i messed around with exercise but that affair comes and goes in steady bursts.

it was almost a year ago that i cheated on you with an electronic poseur. he was supposed to take your place before i kicked him to the curb. that relationship never got off the ground. this spring, i moved on to that clingy bastard patch (not to be confused with steve on days of our lives) but it was too hard to take him seriously since i could kiss him goodbye around 4:00 and still be on time for our 5:30 ritual. over the years, i tried books and acupuncture to assist in the breakup. i’d say good-bye to Vino for a few days so i could end our dirty three-way because i was convinced you were the rotten one in the that threesome. we spent months apart when i was knocked up but then i’d reach out for you again when things got tough.

you have been a constant in my life for about 20 years so it’s only natural that this would be difficult but as you know i am a boozehound. that means i want immediate gratification, immediate relief. want to go from happy smoker to happy ex-smoker immediately. also means i’ve made all sorts of excuses for postponing this breakup. in the face of concrete evidence (iffy mammogram results; kids starting to ask questions about smokes on porch; waking up with a heavy chest) and undeniable self-knowledge, i’ve chosen to keep hanging out with you. just like i did with Vino.

today i am going to get hypnotized to let you go. when I scheduled the appointment, i was told that we’ll talk for a while about why we are breaking up so the doc can focus on these reasons when i’m “under” and on my cd which is included in this $200 experience. after this appt, it’s supposed to be over but in case i slip next week, there is a second session next saturday. hmmm, wonder if i’ll talk myself into another “last hurrah” like I did for weeks when I gave up drinking.

sure, it’s to be healthy and all that shit but these deep lines in my forehead are more frightening than the tightness in my chest. it’s simple. i am doing it for Sugar and Fella. the same reasons i got sober. have heard one can’t get sober for someone else. total bullshit in my experience. it’s the reason i did and sometimes they are still the only reasons i haven’t picked up a bottle of Vino. want to be a good example but i also don’t want to die young from our unhealthy relationship and have another woman take my place. how’s that for self-centered?

alright, smokes. it’s time to drag out the next four hours with as many drags as possible. we’ve been through it a hundred times. you’ll try to convince me to stay, telling me we’re good for each other and we’re really not that bad. that you’re part of me and too entrenched in my life to let you go. reminding me that you don’t have all that baggage like your buddy marlboro so you fit with my eating organic and taking omega-3s lifestyle. you’ll try the timing angle. it’s summer and the kids are home, shouldn’t i wait till school starts next month? but this time it won’t work. i won’t be charmed by your wily ways and i won’t let my own thoughts sabotage it this time.

(No Longer) Yours,
Adrianne