when i quit drinking, a couple of sober friends told me that the first two years are the most difficult. i have held on to this bit of info…reminding myself and passing it along OFTEN. i like the honesty of this statement. pretty sure it helped me manage my expectations when it came to sobriety. ..since my expectations of myself and others are unusually high and unrealistic. when i celebrated one year last november, i was damn proud but not elated.
during the past few months, i have watched two dear friends relapse a few times. this didn’t seem to be much fun for them. even though, thank you sweet boys, it helped me tremendously. of course, i would not buy a bottle and stay at home. i would go to a bar and then likely not come home. maybe not the first time but certainly a few weeks into the thing. so, my drink at the end of the day is just no longer an option and the thought of having to hide it or do it solo is not the least bit appealing.
this spring, i have survived two family trips without vino…not only survived but deeply enjoyed them. i also survived the dreaded Suegra visit without thoughts of drinking . yes, i dug deeper and we all survived. now the week leading up to visit was wretched -- lots of fighting with Esposo and the thought of “i’ll buy a bottle of wine when she is here and no one will say a word” popped up. within a few minutes i knew the insanity of this thought and also how much power that would give one person and one situation.
i think being able to think through the first glass of vino or through a few bottles has helped me to steer clear. also reminding myself that first two years will be tough and thinking through the immediate relief a drink would provide to the unpleasant hangover and disappointment are huge for me.
i am also not under the illusion that come this november i will be totally serene. one thing that happens when we lay off the booze is that we get to know ourselves pretty damn well. we look at the good, the bad and the ugly. well, sometimes these things are revealed whether we are looking for them or not. it wasn't/isn't my intention to go from a fiery, strong-willed chica guzzling vino to a dull, passive bore chugging san pellegrino.
this week i’ve been watching my babies. watching them play together, laugh hysterically, throw insane tantrums, have nightmares, fight over my affection…all of it. i’m not only watching because i am usually a willing or unwilling participant. i’ve lost my shit a few times but something has shifted. feel it inside my gut, in my heart. it’s the tiniest thing and i am certain that i'm the only one to notice. their intense need that i feel on a daily, even hourly basis, hasn’t been as irritating. haven’t resented as much when asked to get a snack or a drink or wipe an ass every five minutes. now this is not in the vein of “embrace these precious moments because they grow up sooo fast.” that’s a damn given when it comes to parenting. it’s more in the vein of me settling into sobriety or shifting into the hard, long days of summer with two small kiddos. probably both.
have i raised my voice too many times and reacted too quickly? sure. but one thing i feel deeply is that i am right where I need to be…as a wife, a mother and a retired party girl. being more comfortable in the discomfort feels pretty damn good.
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