Utterly Relentless

"We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless."
— Russell Brand (My Booky Wook)

a glass (or a bottle) of vino were my preferred punctuation at the end of each day. it was my reward, my outlet, my friend.

now it might be an exercise class, a yummy coffee or an errand or two. more than likely it's a few american spirits and sparkling water on the back porch. the yummy coffee having been consumed all afternoon.

being home taking care of Fella and Sugar, who themselves are utterly relentless, is exhausting most of the time. but last week was the first week home since preschool ended and we are all adjusting (not so well, mind you) to spending more hours together each day and to the heat. this quote really hit home as i craved a period or at least a comma several times during those long days. did i mention the heat?

found myself thinking about drinking more than i have in a long time. when i got sober, my Fella was almost four and my Sugar had just turned one. the daily reward at 5:30 had only recently become daily for the prior six months or so. i have no doubt that today my 5:30 cork-popping would slip back to 4:00, then 3:00. and last wednesday it may have been noon.

here is a snapshot of what went down in the span of a mere fifteen minutes wednesday morning when we were getting ready to go to waterpark: Sugar broke a bottle on the patio; indoor Gato ran out back door and hid in a giant grease pit underneath grill; struggled to lube up kids with sunscreen (Sugar in the "do myself" stage) after prying Gato from grease and cleaning up glass; search for Gato to check paws for glass by following greasy paw prints up the carpeted stairs and into my bedroom ( which has white bedding strewn on the floor b/c didn't get to making it yet); kids play sword fight practically up my arse while try to spot clean carpet and pack snacks; load up car to discover dog crap smeared all over floorboards and Fella's shoes...there's a bit more but as a friend said, "that morning had enough f...k ups for a week."

being in recovery, we talk a lot about acceptance. i constantly have to be reminded to accept the things i cannot change. in this scenario, it would be the heat or my kiddos' strong-willed, high-energy nature. intellectually i get it but in those moments, it is damn difficult to do.

the thing i have to remember and be reminded of is that even if a few drinks would grant me some relief for an afternoon, the horrendous hangover would make the next day even worse. and my Fella and Sugar will still be utterly relentless.