Now I Am A High-Functioning Alcoholic

in 3 weeks i'll have 3 years without any Vino. today more than ever, i need to be accountable, diligent and honest about my disease and remind myself of why i will be celebrating this milestone.

i called myself a high-functioning alcoholic when i quit drinking and joked about being one for years before i got sober.

definition of a high-functioning alcoholic:

A high-functioning alcoholic (HFA) is an alcoholic who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid row" alcoholic, but it manifests or progresses differently. Many HFAs are not viewed by society as being alcoholic, because they have succeeded and overachieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. HFAs are less apt to feel that they need treatment for their alcoholism and often slide through the cracks of the healthcare system, both medically and psychologically, because they are often not diagnosed.

HFAs can exhibit different drinking patterns and warning signs at various phases of their drinking. Common warning signs include, but are not limited to:

- Experiencing a craving for more alcohol after having one drink, leading to a loss of control over alcohol intake
don't think i ever had an off-switch. crossed the line from euphoric buzz to messy drunk or passing out throughout my entire drinking career
- Obsessing about alcohol and the next time they can drink
the mental obsession was there long before i recognized it. i deserved that glass of wine at 5 o clock, dammit, and i wasn't typically drinking that glass or the second or third alone.
- Not being able to imagine their lives without alcohol
this kept me drinking for a long time and i felt this way for many months of early sobriety
- Feeling shame and remorse from drunken behavior
flashes of drunken behavior and pieces of drunken conversations would hang over me for many hours or days after a "bad" night out
- Having failed attempts to control drinking
dipped toe into AA three and a half years before getting sober; was only a daily or almost daily wine drinker for 9 months before quitting; a pregnancy and nursing baby while controlling drinking
- Surrounding themselves with others who drink heavily
no question here. partiers are more fun, more intelligent and more interesting; boredom and boring people were legitimate reasons to drink; i wasn't usually drinking alone...maybe the "glass or two" while cooking supper for family or the "getting ready" glass or two before going out or the "nightcap" after being out were consumed alone
- Compulsively finishing alcoholic drinks—even someone else's
who the hell leaves a little wine in the bottom of their glass? they are the ones with the "problem"
- Being skilled at living a compartmentalized life in terms of separating their drinking lives from their professional/family lives
absolutely
- Making excuses for their drinking or using alcohol as a reward for their hard work
motherhood and especially the second baby was the gasoline that ignited the alcoholic fire; i deserved that drink or drinks at the end of the day for staying home with my babies; it was part of my identity and what separated me from the tedious parts of mothering; no matter that i didn't have my kids till i was nearly 35 and 38 and chose to give up my career and stay home with them, i still deserved a reward at the end of the day for doing what i chose to do
- Thinking that drinking expensive alcohol or wine implies they are not alcoholic
box vino - no fucking way; a nice malbec in the fall and a crisp pinot gris in summer
- Hiding alcohol consumption by sneaking alcohol before a social event or drinking alone
like to say i never "lied" about my drinking. that "getting ready" glass was in the open or in the roadie cup on the way to an event so i wasn't hiding it
- Drinking despite adverse consequences (either emotional or physical)
oh, let's see. being hungover almost everyday for the months leading up to getting sober; the wretched hangovers i endured at least a few days a week since college; the blurry fights with boyfriends or husband. he says, "did you mean what you said last nite?" me: "which part?" then justify and rationalize half of what i remembered
- Experiencing blackouts or memory lapses
oh, hell yes. but the beauty of these are that i didn't remember and nothing really horrible happened, right?

it's tough to quit drinking without severe external consequences and it's tough to ask for help when it appears that you have it all together. bottom line, if you're an alcoholic, it's tough to quit drinking, period. i am grateful i quit nearly three years ago. even being able to write that and honestly mean it is something i never thought would be true for me. maybe for all you fucked-up, low bottom boozehounds, but not my put-together, Malbec-guzzling ass.

no doubt about it, i am an alcoholic. doesn't matter that i wasn't putting a shot of whiskey in my coffee or hiding vodka bottles in the linen closet. today, i can honestly say i am a high-functioning alcoholic. i have the disease of alcoholism but because i am in recovery, i am high-functioning.

i am not half-ass functioning with a hangover. not half-ass functioning at the end of the night after a bottle of wine. not half-ass functioning because i am compartmentalizing "my drinking" from "my mothering." not half-ass functioning because the yuckage, blurry night was earlier this month and i've been "fine" the past few weeks. not half-ass present for my family and friends because my brain is focused on when i get to go out for wine-down wednesday or when the clock will strike 5 so i can relax with a glass of Vino.

my ass might not be guzzling Malbec or always put together and serene, but it is sitting in a meeting at least once a week. and that's exactly where my ass needs to be.