Right Momma Right Now

Fella started kindergarten two weeks ago and Sugar turned three today. that's some major shit. when i started this blog i made a commitment to myself to keep the editing to a minimum and remember the purpose - to stay accountable and honest at this stage in my sobriety and to have a creative outlet other than the dreaded kiddie crafts that i typically deplore. so far so good. barely have time to write so that means i don't have time to edit. i have only written when the urge strikes.

as i kissed Sugar goodnight, i thought about some of the letters i've read that people have posted to their children on their birthdays. when i read these letters i would think, "i should do that for my babies." but i have not. tonight when i walked out of Sugar's room i came straight to the keyboard. not to capture the intense emotions i have for my baby girl but to remind myself why that hefeweizen with lemon that sounded so good in my head this afternoon would be a disaster.

as many of us ex-party girls know, sobriety is about a fuckload more than not drinking. it's about choices. making choices that aren't the easiest or the most comfortable. making choices that might not lead to getting what i want or what i think i want. making choices that will hopefully help me be a better momma. 

as i listened to Sugar's sweet, raspy voice, i wanted to scoop up her scrumptious lil' self into my arms. instead i sang her a song, kissed her goodnight and walked out. at that moment, i was struck that my baby girl is all mine and not mine at all. she doesn't belong to me. we belong together.

being a momma has brought out my best and worst. i have all of these ideas about what i want for my babies and what i don't want for them. what i want to be for them and what i don't want to be for them. as we grow up together, i have said and done things i swore i would never do and have surprised myself with some things i didn't know i could do. not having a sip of Vino for almost 22 months is right up there. through all of it, i try to remember that i am the mother they need me to be.

it hit me tonight what little control i have over them even though they are still so young and this will continue to become less and less as they grow. control is a big fucking deal for boozehounds. this is when it clicked that she is mine but not mine. i can't control her at 3 and Fella at 5. what i can control are the choices that i make that hopefully will help them make better choices.

Sugar turned three today but my thoughts raced ahead. i am not at school when another kid acts like an asshole and hurts their feelings. i am not there when they act like dicks and hurt someone else's feelings. i will not be there when either of my babies get in the car with someone who has been drinking or if one of them gets behind the wheel when they have been drinking.  i won't be there when Sugar wakes up after a one night stand or in the bathroom when someone offers Fella a bump.

only because i am in recovery,  i was sober on her third birthday. only because i am sober, every morning i am out of bed and on my second cup of coffee before my kids are up. doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows but i am not nauseous and full of regret because i find myself nursing a hangover. because i am sober, i will make better choices more often. because i am not blurring my evenings, i am a present momma. only because i am sober, my kids have had  "friday night party" with popcorn and a movie with their parents every single friday night for almost two years. and only because i am sober, i honestly believe that i am the momma they need me to be...not the momma i should be or the momma i shouldn't have been when i lost my shit again.

when i first quit drinking, the husband of one of my dearest sober friends told my husband, "they are turning themselves inside out." when i got sober, i was willing to quit drinking. as the days added up, i remained willing to do the work. today the best birthday gift i can give to Sugar is not a letter stored away in a box, but to remain willing. willing to keep turning myself inside out.