Play on Through to the In-Between

Fella and i took our gato, Homey, to the vet last week. he howled the entire eight minute drive. Fella was concerned and halfway there, he said, "next time, we should give him catnip in the cage and he would be happy." i thought yep, that's my boy. intuitively his mind went straight to giving the cat something to make him relax and feel better. if Homey was high, he'd be fine. as a boozehound, that's my mindset, give me a glass of wine to unwind, a tasty coffee for a quick lift or a smoke to take the edge off.

this past week there have been a few moments where i know my thinking and feelings are radically different than they were a year ago. last week i hit 21 months without a drop of Vino. before i quit drinking, i was angry and sad about not being able to drink again. couldn't imagine a weekend, night out, holiday, vacation, anything without the company of a chilled white or robust red.

then i stopped and for the first several months, i was sad and angry and jealous that i wasn't drinking. a change of weather, a great day or a terribly trying day could send my mind down that tunnel. i still felt i somehow deserved to unwind or escape for an evening or weekend as long as i wasn't hurting anyone but maybe myself.

it was easy to get in my head about how i was not that bad, that i didn't go too far down the ladder, high bottom, on and on. that terminal uniqueness we feel as alcoholics rang true in my case. but i kept at it and reminded myself that i was trying out sobriety so i could be present and live in the moment. i would learn to be quiet and comfortable in my skin and situations without any liquid assistance. it was time for me to grow up and not be so self-centered believing i somehow "deserved" to get lit every now and then.

last week, there was a sudden change in temperature and around five on this beautiful afternoon, i said that i wanted to sit on a patio and drink margaritas. jump back to last summer to a beautiful afternoon with my loud, energetic chirruns running wild. i would have handed 'em over to Esposo at 5:30 and took some time for myself. this time, i grabbed my kids and took them on errands so Esposo could mow the yard. when i went to bed that night, i got it. that thought and feeling i had about the weather came and went. then i went on to be in the moment. be with those wild kids until bedtime.

when i'd get a good buzz on an afternoon, i'd say we were going to "play on through" by drinking long into that night. last week, i "played on through" with the mundane, ordinary mothering stuff. in-between the mundane, my babies said and did a few things that melted my heart.

that's when it hit me. this is the fucking point. this is being present. it's not this thing way out there that one day i'll magically be doing. it is being there for my family and friends when they need me. it is showing up to my grandfather's funeral last weekend and doing what i can for my momma and aunts. i lost one of the most important people in my life, but they lost their daddy. it wasn't about me.

when i retired from partying, i was so afraid of what i was giving up and what i was missing that what i have gained has slowly insinuated itself into my life and it fits perfectly. someone shared in a meeting that when asked if she'd like a drink, she replies, "i've had enough." doesn't say that it wasn't that particular evening but for a lifetime. i love this.

not too long ago i was consumed with the terrifying, angry and sad feelings i had about giving up the Vino. so worried my life would be boring.  i was losing part of my identity and giving up my first love. now that i have some distance and perspective, it struck me last night that i wasn't really living a full life. going to happy hours, having a little too many, being hungover on saturday had been going on for years. even if someone said i was cured of my alcoholism, i wouldn't go back to any of that.

i hope i've had enough. do i really need more blurry nights, horrid hangovers, distracting thoughts about how much i want a glass of wine later that day, energy spent blocking out the yucky things that happened when i was drunk? it was exhausting.

i had a shitload of fun drinking. one of toughest parts of getting sober was and is redefining my marriage because we were great running buddies. what we're discovering together is that we really do love each other and enjoy hanging out together. Esposo is clever, wickedly funny and always inappropriate. that's what makes us good running buddies. not the many bottles of wine we shared or wild nights of cutting loose.

i will always have thoughts of drinking and fondly recall many fun times. the radical difference is that today i am willing to play on through the boring, tedious shite. if i was knocking back a bottle of wine to blur the boring or enhance the exciting times, i'd miss those in-between moments. it's the in-between that fills up my heart, my life. what my kids and family, and mostly me, deserve is to be there for the in-between. today i am a better momma, wife, daughter, niece, friend, me.