Family Vacation

been a while since i've written anything. on the eve of a spring break trip to the beach with kiddos, i am taking a moment to post rather than pack. i tend to focus my energy making lists and picking up the items and sorting the laundry in order to pack. and i focus my energy on these things since the actual packing is one of my least favorite things to do. by nature, i'm organized, a planner and over-analytical. thinking of how we are driving straight through on the way home in one week so really need to limit the items and streamline the packing to make packing up and heading home that much easier. picking up goodies at trader joes for drive and vacation since it will save us a few bucks and will make ride better, and i could go on and on.

this reminds me of all the things i did to try to get around quitting drinking. all the usual tricks and insane reasoning and justifications. like...i'll do a cleanse, exercise more, see a cognitive-behavioral therapist (who confirmed i was not an alcoholic), drink only on weekends, on and on. nothing unique to my situation or my insane thinking. i couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. especially a vacation. today i cannot imagine drinking again. i mean, i can imagine it, but it's not something i want to do or romanticize anymore.

two of my dear friends who i got sober with continue to relapse and are struggling. this last time one of them drank again and it hit me pretty hard. he kept saying that he knows what he needs to do, he just doesn't want to do it. that he is so angry. i told him how the first two years were so fucking hard and i was miserable a lot of the time. that i felt weak when i called my support group and sponsor and said i wanted to drink, i wanted to get a divorce, i wanted some relief, i was so agitated and angry. i no longer want to drink, i am still married and i am still agitated and angry and seek relief, but i am these things less of the time and with less intensity. even writing that it is so obvious how self-centered boozehounds are..i wanted, i wanted, i wanted.

it's the willingness that got me where i am today. it's the willingness that will help me grow in my sobriety and in my life.  i have to stay close to my friends, to the program and keep taking action. because it sure as hell isn't my thinking that will do the trick.

i've written about exercising again which has been fantastic. even quit buying the chocolate-hazelnut bars or ice cream. can't keep it in the house or i will eat it ALL. rapidly. earlier this week, being the planner that i am, i bought a yummy trail mix and a treat for the road. big mistake. i ate one bag in 24 hours. last week i bought said-yummy-fancy chocolate bar to go with a meal i was making for neighbor who had baby. started obsessing about it being in the house and asked Esposo to split it with me. he declined so i had to go straight to bed because my bedroom is one floor higher than where the bar was lying in wait to be devoured in a matter of seconds. this is where my head gets me.

no big revelations here. just damn grateful i am sober for this spring break trip.  it won't be like the trip 2 1/2 years ago when i was nearly 5 months sober. when seeing someone with a drink, i could almost feel the cool, crisp white wine going down my throat. i was brought to my knees with longing and grief for what i was missing. it won't be like the trips when i was drinking because i won't have a false sense of calm or exaggerated interest in my kids or husband because i have a nice buzz going. 

this time, i'll just be myself and Momma.  i will be fully present for my babies. without numbing the tedious parts and enhancing the exciting ones, i get to experience true joy (or sadness if that's the deal).  i won't be longing for a drink or consumed with what i am missing. i will most certainly be agitated part of the time (or a shitload of time in the 10 hour drive). i will definitely want an escape (especially during the excruciating drive). i'll just be less selfish about how and when i get some relief.