20 Days

today is day 20 of no smokes.

huge thanks to those who commented. your encouraging words were taken to heart. i am still stunned and touched every time someone leaves a comment. whether it's from a dear friend or a fellow boozehound or a dear boozehound friend, it gives me strength and comfort.

i think the biggest difference this time around is that i surrendered. just gave in to the fact that yes, i enjoy smoking and yes, i stopped smoking. i still liked Vino when i stopped drinking. yes, i love a good red and yes, i stopped drinking. for me, it didn't have to become an either/or thing. didn't have to loathe the substance before i gave it up. so, yes i love smoking, but to continue at my age would be reckless and selfish since i am a momma, wife, daughter. putting it out here is a concrete, crucial reminder.

it hasn't been a breeze. i didn't drink coffee for two weeks. hell no, i am not giving up caffeine. i drank tea. i just removed one of the biggest triggers to get through the beginning. i am anxious and concerned about gaining weight. and there were some pretty squirrely days. my afternoon coffee is back (and morning) and tastes better than ever. i wonder how long it will be before a cigarette won't be the first thing i think about when i wake up every morning. and i wouldn't be in recovery if i didn't have thoughts like the ones involving my relapse.

conversation with Esposo went something like this -- me: i think i'll smoke when we are on vacation. him: why, you are doing great. me: because when i was lying down with Sugar, i thought about how i can smoke when we take them to the beach in 3 months. it's the way my brain is wired, honey.  a few days later. me: i can't believe it's been more than two weeks, can you? him: no, you are doing great. me: well, if i slip on smokes it wouldn't be so bad. i mean, what do i have left? and i didn't relapse when i got sober so i am kind of entitled to that...

i wanted to write something about the fact that alcoholics are stimulus augmenters but when i was poking around online for some background/facts, i ended up on amazon and this link the last call program was featured. it is exactly the type of bullshit i would have wanted to find when i thought AA might be in my near future and i couldn't bear to end up there.

i mean, i tried it several years ago but i was not a daily drinker, was not ready. remember telling my friends, sober and not, that it was not for me. i am not a joiner. i was not in a sorority. don't like groups. might work for you people, but certainly not my deal. too many clogs. too many whiny, lonely people. too much jesus/god talk. i don't believe in god. it might be a cult. i can say all of this now because even though there are still too many clogs and lots of whiny people (and still i don't believe in god), i am soooo exactly where i need to be and this becomes more apparent every single day.

time to take off the patch and go to bed. (yes, i read the recent new york times article and even if they don't do shit, they keep my ass from going to the store during a squirrely spot.) going to bed sober is as freaking fantastic as waking up without a hangover.