TWO YEARS TODAY

during the past week, i have thought a lot about what hitting this mark has meant.  how many things are drastically different than they were two years ago while some are pretty much the same. went to nyc last weekend to celebrate and to spend time with my cousin who is a senior at nyu. rather than rattle off the obvious positives about being sober and many things for which i am grateful, i think a look at this visit in post-Vino times says it all.

i lived on st. marks and avenue a when i was 31 and it's where i met Esposo. also where i spent a ton of time in my cups. vodka was my drink of choice when i lived there, stoli and soda to be exact. my cousin lives about 6 blocks from my old apartment so this trip was pretty symbolic since my first stop was getting out of a cab at his apartment and taxi drove up st. marks to get there. last week, i was pretty vocal about some squirrely thoughts and feelings about going to the city. the minute i arrived, they disappeared and i felt right at home.

i spent two great days drinking fabulous coffee, eating yummy tacos and scoring some new threads. spent a day and a half with a dear friend. laid in bed with my cousin talking for hours in awe of his self-possession, maturity, intelligence and wit. walked a ton through all the best hoods. even went to a bar to meet my cousin's friend and to a hip restaurant with an infamous bar scene. passed many old haunts but didn't have any pangs of longing. within hours of my arrival walking through the east village on a saturday night, i jokingly said that the malbec region of my psyche was  triggered. i wouldn't be an alkie if i didn't think about Vino or drinking but it was so mild that it was sort of a nothing. i think that is it...the longing for a drink or the romanticizing about a drink was non-existent on this visit.

being present is part of being sober but many times i have to actively remind myself to be present or i berate myself for not being present. this is mainly with my children. on this visit, it just happened. it just was. i was present for my cousin, my friend and me.

Esposo deserves some credit for coming up with the idea of me taking a trip to nyc as a "fuck you to the Vino" when i hit two years. should also mention it was last minute because i bought the ticket four days before departing. maybe all these things are why it just worked.

Fella and Sugar called me a few times over two days and after hanging up one time, Fella told Esposo, "momma sounds different." that is because i was in my fave city and because i was relaxed. a year or even 18 months ago, i would not and did not believe anyone who told me that not drinking would become as easy as breathing. i am certainly not there yet and that isn't my goal, but i didn't know i was capable of being relaxed and happy surrounded by old memories and places that involved Vino.

my cousin has a black and white post card on his wall i sent him when i lived there. he was 12. now he is 21. when i was standing in his room reading the card aloud, i was struck by how far i've come and now that i am not saddled with a 5:30PM appointment with Vino, how much farther i will go.